Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
