chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
