So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
And then the night went full on bisexual.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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