No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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