i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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