if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
