I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
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