i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
