mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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