i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
