you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
