I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
