God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
