It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
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i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Text me some of your sweat
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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