Who wears a wallet chain?!
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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