Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
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he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
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While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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