not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore