my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
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Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
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Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.