This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
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I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
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I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.