This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.