You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
