You made me cry and you don't even care
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
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