I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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