Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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