just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
