home. puking in laundry basket.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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