im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You are the jesus of drinking
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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