I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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