It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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