I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
