I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
