Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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