So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
