My Higher Power is John Stamos
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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