i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
