hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
