i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
