I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
