I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Is Oprah even human
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
