I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
