So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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