i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
