i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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