Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
