I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
