Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
