@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Watching her eat just hurts me
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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