Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We left the knife in your bed.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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