I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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