Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
