2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
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Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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