sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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