Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
