Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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