The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
