fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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