When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
zippers are such a cool invention
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
