Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
