The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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