Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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