This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
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I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
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Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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